blah blah blog

i was Ichatting with my friend, sarah morrison, and we were both drinking.  she went "away" cos she had to go write about being famous or something. i am fucking babbling over the interweb, and she's making money for writing drunk.

today, is my official birthday, & boy, am i TIRED! normally, i would not want to just stay in an order a pizza on my birthday, but this weekend was exhausting!

i think that i, more than most people, LOVE my birthday!  it's the only day of the year that i get to do whatever i want and no one can object; they just have to go along with it.

ooooh, this is a good one!

when i was 21, i had a very serious boyfriend, mark, in whom i had lost interest.  a boy that i had a secret crush on, andy, turned out to have a crush on me, too, so one night we went out for drinks.  he drove me home, and as i was exiting his car, we kissed.  ok- we made out!

i went up to my apartment, and mark had been waiting for me, but had just left cos he had been waiting for hours.  the next day, the guilt ate away at me all day, and by the afternoon, i had to tell him.

we broke up, not cos i cheated, but because the fact that i was even attracted to someone enough to do anything physical must mean that our relationship was not in a good state.  also, i was leaving in 2 months for seattle. [this was supposed to only be for 6 months, and i would return to boston; this did not happen, as i am in seattle still, 6 years later.]

we would talk about what happened with andy during the few months i had left in boston, and even after i moved here, and he always said, "you cheated on me!". i wasn't sure how much i agreed that i had actually cheated.  is kissing someone and telling your s/o, within 12 hours, cheating?  doesn't cheating involve a high-level of dishonesty, and perhaps, sneaking around?  are there many levels of cheating and making out is just one of the first levels?  or is it considered cheating just having a crush on someone?

i have honestly felt just as shitty, as if he'd cheated, when i found out a different man i loved, many years later, here in seattle, had been lying to me the entire time we were together.  he wasn't lying about anything too serious, but the fact that he had a pathological web of lies that he had to keep track of made me feel as though i was betrayed beyond belief.  although he never actually "cheated", he may as well have, as my ability to trust (him) was gone.

i am currently supposed to be writing a proposal about what i plan to write a 10 page paper on.  the paper isn't due until june 6th, but the proposal was due monday, so it is late.

evidently, now, i like the show One Tree Hill...